Eventually, you come to learn that things were not as you imagined them. You learn that Santa Claus isn't real, that the Easter Bunny doesn't lay you chocolate eggs, and most of all that unicorns don't exist. It's hard to articulate that exact moment, that precise feeling when you realize that you were wrong all along. That crystalline feeling, when everything you ever thought you knew is categorized into the "inbox" (of things that you are actually completely right about), and the "outbox", which is full of the trash that you made yourself believe to fit into the apparitional existence that you require, and you realize that your outbox is a lot more full than your inbox. The sight of all of your knowledge is a high, racing, heart pounding, blood draining, ecstasy amplified climax of pure pleasure, but it only lasts a fragment of a nanosecond before it comes crashing down into the most devastating descension that you will ever experience in your life. There's no way to track it, no way to anticipate it, no way to defend yourself, it just happens, and there you are, helpless, cold, flushed in the face but freezing in all of your limbs, wondering just what it will take to make your life normal again. It's the sensation of devastating disappointment that drops your gut to your feet, when you realize that nothing is going to ever ever materialize the way that you imagined and you're not sure which direction to point yourself to -- which wind to allow to caress your face. ----------- In other news, I am beginning to feel again. It's painful and bright, it stings my eyes like a newborn child first tasting the air of the earth and the bright lights filtering against their translucent eyelids, but it feels wonderful. It's coming sporadically right now, amongst clouds of depression that are lasting for days in which I wander, restlessly, but everything is foggy and there is no definite anything. The fog is punctuated by these pockets of emotion, of shock, of complete stomach turning disappointment, but it's working for me, and I'm learning about myself, and I'm writing again -- the words are finally coming out of my mind, down my fingers, and into media. It's brilliant, it's indescribable, it's imaginary, but it will do for now.
Disclaimer: These are my personal thoughts, emotions and opinions -- they are not intended to offend or aggress upon anyone. Likewise, though I do appreciate a constructively critical comment on occasion, I prefer non-hateful and thoughtful comments with respect to myself. I shouldn't have any problems with that though, we're all grown ups here, right? Please note that any offensive, aggressive and anonymous comments will be deleted from my comments, notes and guestbook, as I like knowing that the rest of my readership doesn't have to read that trash. Also, the HTML on this design has been designed solely by myself, Amanda Neal, and song lyrics are from the song "Wild Horses" by Natasha Bedingfield.
Wednesday, Oct. 05, 2005 ~ 5:57 p.m.
